The Moment Before it Starts

"Circuits freeze and androids never dream... you're more than a machine."

Thank you, Scott Helman, for ending my year on such a thoughtful and pleasant note.

 If you haven't heard his EP, Augusta, you're missing out. I think his song Machine was the perfect soundtrack to my inner thoughts on the last few days of 2015. I interpret it as a commentary on beautiful humans being so much more than how we perceive ourselves. 
More than our online persona's, more than a swipe right. 

Our bodies are more than machines pumping blood, but beautiful vessels that allow us to do so much more than we think we can.  What a perfect song. 

I think a lot of the time we look back on the past year and talk about how much we want the new year to be better. We look at areas that we fell short and areas that we want to better ourselves in. We get so excited for our resolutions that we forget to celebrate and reflect on the year we just had. I found myself on the 31st wondering what I had to show for 2015. As much as I accomplished, I wasn't feeling the greatest. I've been feeling incredibly uncertain lately. 

I wanted to write a quick note to end off 2015. It's been an incredible, challenging year. Not challenging in a bad way. In the best kind of way. Where I was asked to step outside of my comfort zone, I immersed myself in prayer and my hearts desires, still knowing that I could go so much deeper. I actually think that as wonderful as 2015 was, it was actually the moment BEFORE it all really starts. 

I'm expecting 2016 to me 10x the battle 2015 was. Something inside just says I'm on the edge of something. I'm definitely not the quantum leap kind of gal. I don't believe I'll have some miraculous breakthrough, but a series of small triumphs and disappointments that teach me to be the best version of myself. The issue is that quantum leaps are easier to remember than tiny steps. When you accomplish things through a series of small consistent steps, it's difficult to look back and pinpoint when everything changed, even though you've been working so hard for so long.

So if I ever take anything for granted, if I ever wonder when 'my victory' will come, or when I will get my shot, or when I will be really really pushed and challenged... I will look back on this and remember what kind of year 2015 was.

2015 was the year that I decided to forget about what I thought my life should look like and pursue an online business that I felt a rush of positivity from. 

2015 was the year that I tried as much as I could to appreciate my beautiful home in Niagara. I wanted so badly to move out but I also wanted things to stay exactly the same. I spent every morning in the summer working on my Beachbody business and own personal development outside on a patio. I don't think I ever appreciated my parents more. 

2015 was the year where I fell in love with West of Indie. A musical project I am BLESSED to be a part of. We had so many hilarious gigs, useless practises, an E.P that has yet to release... we joked so often about being the best "worst band ever" because we just have way too much fun and never take ourselves too seriously... but I wasn't hard on myself for it. Nothing makes me happier than sitting in a jam packed car with Emilie and David listening to our pre show ritual songs, screwing up on stage in ways that only we would notice, and debriefing about our shows while planning our upcoming world tours over chicken fingers afterwards. 

2015 was the year I wrote my favourite song of mine, Carry On. I will never get tired of sharing it. 

2015 was the year that I prayed for you, whoever is reading this. I prayed that you would find whatever peace or happiness you may be looking for. I prayed you would take risks and reach out to people who inspire you. I prayed you would connect your joy to your purpose.

2015 was the year I travelled on the excursion of a lifetime with my family. It was then I realized, for the 100th time that they are my ultimate source of happiness. 

2015 was the year that I visited the Anne Frank Huis in Amsterdam, and realized in a pivotal moment how much a little girl could change my perspective. I realized how lucky I was to share that experience with three of my close friends.

2015 was the year I thanked God every day for Abby Marie. My mentor, my friend, who believed in me so much that she helped fund an experience I will never be able to repay her for. 

2015 was the year I saw Chalene Johnson, my absolute inspiration, speak for the first time.

2015 was the year that I was moved by Sarah McFarlane, who reached out to me in January for guidance and ran so fast with the few suggestions I gave her- I am literally still stuck in her stardust. What an incredibly dedicated woman. 

2015 was the year that I decided my gifts weren't being properly used in the place I was working. It was the year that I quit my job and sacrificed an income and "dignity" by loafing all summer at my parents house to try to figure out my ACTUAL career calling.

2015 was the year I was told by so many people to get on a teaching supply list. It was also the year I ignored them, as I knew I was meant for something different.

2015 was the year I went through the most stressful interview process of my life, and with the help of some amazing cheerleaders, came out successfully. 

2015 was the year that I DID find my career calling. What a step into the sun. 

2015 was also the year that I got turned down for a lot of jobs I applied for. I even got offered a full time teaching position and then had it taken away. What a heartbreaking moment. Several heartbreaking moments. That fit perfectly into my journey.

2015 was the year I moved into my very first apartment in Toronto. And as beautiful as it is, I also realized that having family around is absolutely incomparable to money, swanky accommodations or living in a metropolis. It is everything. 

2015 was the year Katie and I shared a bachelor apartment... and the closeness was actually comforting. I will always feel at home in East York.

2015 was the year I watched my little sister's confidence waver significantly for the first time, with her diagnosis of Diabetes. 2016 will be the year that I watch in awe as she skyrockets out of that, further than I can possibly imagine. 

2016 was the year I witnessed an incredible change in Jason. I aim to be a support for him. 

2015 was the year I met an influx of INCREDIBLY inspiring people. Fitness coaches, musicians from home, and motivational speakers and managers at my place of work. It feels good to surround myself with people who challenge me. 

2015 was the year I tried my hardest to commit to a fitness routine. And even though I'm not perfect, I am striving for body positivity every day. It was the year I really started believing in myself. 

2015 was the year I found my faith again. Finally stepped back from the cliff I was on.

2015 was the year I let my hair down publicly, in all of its wild unruliness, more times than I have in my entire life. 

2015 was the year I exhausted my energy on boys who didn't deserve it. I'm aiming for 2016 to be different. With that said, 2015 was also the year that I allowed myself to be open to new love, something I haven't done in a while. 

2015 was the year I admitted some secrets to my friends that were holding me back. I'm grateful for their advice and understanding. Thank you Rox and Tiffany.

2015 was the year I got really close with my cousin, Theresa, who I had always been friends with but never felt personally connected to. It was the year we pushed each other.

2015 was the year I cried a LOT. For no reason at all, other than that I was lonely, or grateful, or uncertain, or embarrassed, or truly touched. I cried so much that I almost let myself believe I wasn't the cheerful girl I used to be. But she's still around. I want to try to be unapologetic for my emotions moving forward

2015 was the year I met and was touched by over 1000 young people, who waited on uncomfortable gym floors and in line ups of people just to say hi to me, and tell me that they love to sing too. 

2015 was the year I got emails from children who's faces I wish I could remember, who were too shy to talk to me in person but emailed me just to tell me what their dreams were. How could I not be eternally grateful to read those messages?

2015 was the moment before it starts...

Whatever "it" may be.

xo Meaghan